Broken

I am broken. No doubt about that.

I'm scared being at UNCW, I don't really have many close friends here. And I spend the majority of my time alone. Well alone in the sense of people. I know God is always here for me. But Its definitely been hard being here. Especially because of all thats going on. My mom isn't here for me, and is continuously making poor choices. My brother who was always my hero, isn't being the person I know he is. Its scary to be in this place I'm not comfortable in and have so much going wrong.

I know and have been told many times recently God is here for me.

I know God can handle all my hurts and pains, but its difficult to hand it over.

I have become a part of a group of 6 prayer warriors.

The other 5 people are some of the closest people to me in my life right now:

My youth pastor of 4 and a half years and father figure Matt Bohr

My best friend of only about 10 months, but one of the greatest girls I've ever known, Hope Lewis

My boyfriend of about 2 months, and absolute best friend for over a year now, Jeffrey Winstead

One of the greatest singers I have ever heard, and an amazing friend and show choir dance partner, Devon Brown.

And The most protective, practically my big brother, friend I have, Mitch Tirado.

These five people are amazing, they're powerful pray-ers, have amazing faith, and their love for God is astounding.

They're so encouraging and strong and I don't know why God chose me to be the 6th person in the group because I do not feel worthy. I am so weak spiritually, emotionally and physically. I can barely get out of bed most days, I cry at the smallest things, I do not read my bible nearly as much as I should, and I always seem to just pray when I need something. I know, its being human we fall but it affects me so much.

I'm doing my best to just give it to God, but I'm struggling and I'm tired of crying so much and I'm just broken. I don't know what to do about any of it.

I know God has a plan for me and for all this. and in my human impatience, I wish I knew what that plan was, or just what my next step is.

Newness

So I never keep this updated enough.

But here is an update:

I am now at UNC Wilmington. I have a love-hate relationship with college. I love it because I do have fun and I like living on my own even though its kinda scary sometimes. I don't like a few of my classes, But I'm dealing. I still feel like I don't have any good friends. Back home I have a close knit group of AMAZING friends and I wish I had that at UNCW. I know making friends takes time, but I still wish I could just BOOM magically have great friends.

Life is never that easy I know.

I also have a boyfriend now. Jeffrey, he is a great guy and as most know I liked him for over a year. We have started dating now, and he makes me happy. He is SO funny, he knows me better than most and his faith in God is awesome. he is such and encouragement to me all the time. And is family is great too. I love them all. :)

I still come home every weekend for church because I love it so much. So being home is a nice change of pace from school.

I did join a bible study at UNCW that I love. The girls in it are great and we have a ton of fun.

I don't have much else to update on.

But I will try to update more often.

:D

Fears.

I'm scared.

and I KNOW God can handle everything.

and I know God has got me in his hands.

But I am terrified

Of my future and going to college.

Of losing my Grandfather, I feel like I'm watching him just get older and older and I know he could be gone at any second.

Even old fears of being scared of males has resurfaced because of a rediculous situtation.

I feel so lost, and I'm turning to God and I'm crying out to him.
But I still feel like a lonely little kid

with no idea what to do anymore.

Trusting.

So, I was reminded by a very wise man of God (keith winstead) that the best way to get through allll this craziness in my life is to trust God.

You know not just pray but TRUST that he will come through, that he CAN handle anything, (because really he can!) trust that he is the Almighty one who created everything.

and my problems are so much easier if I just give them up to him, let the weight fall off my shoulders and just breathe.

Also I've realized that the happiest moments in my life are when I'm praising God.

My creater who without I would not exsist.

and without the protection I know I must've had as a child,I never would be where I am today.

I am incredibly blessed to have been where I have been and survived through it all.

But I'm doing more than surviving. I want to live completely and fully for God.

Giving all I am to him and his will.

So I'm starting to do that now.

I'm trying really hard to read my bible daily, which is really my biggest struggle even though i like reading so much.

I never feel like I know where I should read.

Trying to figure that out.

But I do need encouragment and lots of prayers.

and Let me know your prayer needs.

Because I'd love to pray for you!

1 AM blogs.

I have this immense desire to just give up on everything.

Just sit in my room in the comfort of my bed and not care about anything anymore.

Nothing seems to be going right.

I just want to be single for a little bit, and content in that.

But I feel pressured to do otherwise.

I want my family to be safe and happy,

not have my grandfather forgetting why he went to the kitchen and struggling just to write a check.

or my mom to disappear of the planet and not keep her promises like usual.

I want college to go well, and have my financial aid worked out.

I want to not leave people i care about behind or be left either.

I want to live my life to the fullest completely in God's will.

and for people to really udnerstand why God is so important to me.

That I don't think its just a joke.

That to serve and honor God is the reason I breathe and live.

The only reason I decided not to give up.

Is because I remembered telling the admissions counselor in Raleigh that I've never been one to give up and I never do. That I do my best in everything and embrace's lifes challenges.

I just wish I had that same optomism and happiness I had then.

Because right now I feel lost, alone and so unsure.

Another Update since I don't keep this updated.

I am still struggling daily to live my life for God's will.

I graduated the LHGH program, but I know I still have a LOT more to learn!

I also have graduated high school and I've had a pretty chill summer

I'm still planning to go to UNCW as soon as I hear back from financial aid.

and I've prayed for God's will in that, if for some reason my financial aid can't go through this semester I'll just be staying in bo county and figuring out what God does want for my life.

I'm not going to let fear of the un known scare me any longer.

and I do need prayer for my job situation cuz its not too good right now.

I don't have much more to update.

But I am going to try to keep this up and do more meaningful blogs every now and then.

:D

Update

I haven't posted in a long time. So here is my update:

I'm trying HARD to completely embrace God's way and stop following mine.

I'm doing this through an AMAZING program: Life Hurts God Heals.

I attend Generations Church which is the most amazing place and I have been able to grow leaps and bounds in my faith.

I am nearly done with High School, graduating on June 13th.

I am attending UNCW in the fall (as long as all my financial aid works out)

Megan Murphy, Kellie Bliss, and Hope Lewis are my closest friends right now.

I turn 18 at the end of this month.

I am a twitter addict. :]

and I just had delicious tacos made by my grandpa and made the BIGGEST mess eating them!

Word.

1 I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
3He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.
Psalm 40: 1-3 (New Living Translation)




I waited and waited and waited for God. At last he looked; finally he listened.
He lifted me out of the ditch,
pulled me from deep mud.
He stood me up on a solid rock
to make sure I wouldn't slip.
He taught me how to sing the latest God-song
a praise-song to our God.
More and more people are seeing this:
they enter the mystery,
abandoning themselves to God.
Psalm 40: 1-3 (The Message)