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You're my only chance

Jesus Christ of Nazareth You're my only chance. You're my only chance.

If you've read my facebook/twitter anytime in the past like 15 minutes this is my update on both. I just came from a prayer meeting for Revival 2010 and Carly Fink sung those words while we prayed over a friend, Daniel. It was powerful and the words are ringing in my heart. I've been in an idling place recently and I haven't really been doing much to fix it. I've asked for prayer but I didn't receive it. Tonight I'm changing that though, and I am receiving the Grace I so do not deserve.

God, my Father, he is my ONLY chance to survive the world. My doubts, fears, he is the only one who can truly remove them from me, and he does when I ask. So i am asking and BELIEVING and RECEIVING.

And I am praying for this campus, that through Revival 2o1o, and this vision the wonderful Christina Cramer has received from christ, this campus is just turned upside down. and that miracles happen and that UNCW isn't known for being a beach school but a school where the army of the LORD resides and is stomping and making waves.

God is so powerful, and in our human flesh we always doubt but Jesus Christ is our only chance and he is so mighty and so capable.

Broken

I am broken. No doubt about that.

I'm scared being at UNCW, I don't really have many close friends here. And I spend the majority of my time alone. Well alone in the sense of people. I know God is always here for me. But Its definitely been hard being here. Especially because of all thats going on. My mom isn't here for me, and is continuously making poor choices. My brother who was always my hero, isn't being the person I know he is. Its scary to be in this place I'm not comfortable in and have so much going wrong.

I know and have been told many times recently God is here for me.

I know God can handle all my hurts and pains, but its difficult to hand it over.

I have become a part of a group of 6 prayer warriors.

The other 5 people are some of the closest people to me in my life right now:

My youth pastor of 4 and a half years and father figure Matt Bohr

My best friend of only about 10 months, but one of the greatest girls I've ever known, Hope Lewis

My boyfriend of about 2 months, and absolute best friend for over a year now, Jeffrey Winstead

One of the greatest singers I have ever heard, and an amazing friend and show choir dance partner, Devon Brown.

And The most protective, practically my big brother, friend I have, Mitch Tirado.

These five people are amazing, they're powerful pray-ers, have amazing faith, and their love for God is astounding.

They're so encouraging and strong and I don't know why God chose me to be the 6th person in the group because I do not feel worthy. I am so weak spiritually, emotionally and physically. I can barely get out of bed most days, I cry at the smallest things, I do not read my bible nearly as much as I should, and I always seem to just pray when I need something. I know, its being human we fall but it affects me so much.

I'm doing my best to just give it to God, but I'm struggling and I'm tired of crying so much and I'm just broken. I don't know what to do about any of it.

I know God has a plan for me and for all this. and in my human impatience, I wish I knew what that plan was, or just what my next step is.

Newness

So I never keep this updated enough.

But here is an update:

I am now at UNC Wilmington. I have a love-hate relationship with college. I love it because I do have fun and I like living on my own even though its kinda scary sometimes. I don't like a few of my classes, But I'm dealing. I still feel like I don't have any good friends. Back home I have a close knit group of AMAZING friends and I wish I had that at UNCW. I know making friends takes time, but I still wish I could just BOOM magically have great friends.

Life is never that easy I know.

I also have a boyfriend now. Jeffrey, he is a great guy and as most know I liked him for over a year. We have started dating now, and he makes me happy. He is SO funny, he knows me better than most and his faith in God is awesome. he is such and encouragement to me all the time. And is family is great too. I love them all. :)

I still come home every weekend for church because I love it so much. So being home is a nice change of pace from school.

I did join a bible study at UNCW that I love. The girls in it are great and we have a ton of fun.

I don't have much else to update on.

But I will try to update more often.

:D

Fears.

I'm scared.

and I KNOW God can handle everything.

and I know God has got me in his hands.

But I am terrified

Of my future and going to college.

Of losing my Grandfather, I feel like I'm watching him just get older and older and I know he could be gone at any second.

Even old fears of being scared of males has resurfaced because of a rediculous situtation.

I feel so lost, and I'm turning to God and I'm crying out to him.
But I still feel like a lonely little kid

with no idea what to do anymore.

Trusting.

So, I was reminded by a very wise man of God (keith winstead) that the best way to get through allll this craziness in my life is to trust God.

You know not just pray but TRUST that he will come through, that he CAN handle anything, (because really he can!) trust that he is the Almighty one who created everything.

and my problems are so much easier if I just give them up to him, let the weight fall off my shoulders and just breathe.

Also I've realized that the happiest moments in my life are when I'm praising God.

My creater who without I would not exsist.

and without the protection I know I must've had as a child,I never would be where I am today.

I am incredibly blessed to have been where I have been and survived through it all.

But I'm doing more than surviving. I want to live completely and fully for God.

Giving all I am to him and his will.

So I'm starting to do that now.

I'm trying really hard to read my bible daily, which is really my biggest struggle even though i like reading so much.

I never feel like I know where I should read.

Trying to figure that out.

But I do need encouragment and lots of prayers.

and Let me know your prayer needs.

Because I'd love to pray for you!

1 AM blogs.

I have this immense desire to just give up on everything.

Just sit in my room in the comfort of my bed and not care about anything anymore.

Nothing seems to be going right.

I just want to be single for a little bit, and content in that.

But I feel pressured to do otherwise.

I want my family to be safe and happy,

not have my grandfather forgetting why he went to the kitchen and struggling just to write a check.

or my mom to disappear of the planet and not keep her promises like usual.

I want college to go well, and have my financial aid worked out.

I want to not leave people i care about behind or be left either.

I want to live my life to the fullest completely in God's will.

and for people to really udnerstand why God is so important to me.

That I don't think its just a joke.

That to serve and honor God is the reason I breathe and live.

The only reason I decided not to give up.

Is because I remembered telling the admissions counselor in Raleigh that I've never been one to give up and I never do. That I do my best in everything and embrace's lifes challenges.

I just wish I had that same optomism and happiness I had then.

Because right now I feel lost, alone and so unsure.

Another Update since I don't keep this updated.

I am still struggling daily to live my life for God's will.

I graduated the LHGH program, but I know I still have a LOT more to learn!

I also have graduated high school and I've had a pretty chill summer

I'm still planning to go to UNCW as soon as I hear back from financial aid.

and I've prayed for God's will in that, if for some reason my financial aid can't go through this semester I'll just be staying in bo county and figuring out what God does want for my life.

I'm not going to let fear of the un known scare me any longer.

and I do need prayer for my job situation cuz its not too good right now.

I don't have much more to update.

But I am going to try to keep this up and do more meaningful blogs every now and then.

:D

Update

I haven't posted in a long time. So here is my update:

I'm trying HARD to completely embrace God's way and stop following mine.

I'm doing this through an AMAZING program: Life Hurts God Heals.

I attend Generations Church which is the most amazing place and I have been able to grow leaps and bounds in my faith.

I am nearly done with High School, graduating on June 13th.

I am attending UNCW in the fall (as long as all my financial aid works out)

Megan Murphy, Kellie Bliss, and Hope Lewis are my closest friends right now.

I turn 18 at the end of this month.

I am a twitter addict. :]

and I just had delicious tacos made by my grandpa and made the BIGGEST mess eating them!

Word.

1 I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
3He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.
Psalm 40: 1-3 (New Living Translation)




I waited and waited and waited for God. At last he looked; finally he listened.
He lifted me out of the ditch,
pulled me from deep mud.
He stood me up on a solid rock
to make sure I wouldn't slip.
He taught me how to sing the latest God-song
a praise-song to our God.
More and more people are seeing this:
they enter the mystery,
abandoning themselves to God.
Psalm 40: 1-3 (The Message)

RE:Cillian from PSC

She wrote: "To everyone out there, I have a message: NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK, no matter how it seems, someone out there (not necessarily a friend, or even someone you know that well) thinks that you are beautiful. Or that you are nice, or cool. However you want to put it. Even when times are rough, and seem like they'll never get better, you have to know that they will. I know this sounds cheesy, but the night is always darkest before the dawn. Everything will get better. I know from personal experience :] You can get over those roadblocks. Yes you. And you. Just keep moving, because someone, or someoneS, thinks that you are worth living. There is someone who would be heartbroken if you stopped coming to work, school, that coffee shop that you like... So stop cutting. Stop taking drugs. Stop doing whatever is hurting you, because someone cares. You just have to find them. And remember, they may not be the person that you expect."


Now I've never really done anything self destructive, like drugs or cutting or having an eating disorder.
But I think I sometimes I feel things too much.
idk.
I've been told I'm a passionate person
and I like to put all I am into whatever I do.
Be it making someone smile, being angry, or loving some one.
I just think sometimes I put TOO much emotion and maybe too much heart into some of the actions I take.
I don't do things lightly.
I eat big, talk big, and dream big.
I'm also kinda selfish sometimes with my emotions.
and stubborn.
and I guess I'm just human.
But sometimes feeling so much can make me really sad.
Like all the emotions just build up and I feel like crying.
But then I read words like Cillian's, or talk to someone, or just let a few tears fall.
and I'm okay again.
But maybe I'm NOT really okay at all?
Or maybe along with feeling too much, I'm THINKING too much and should just shut up and sleep.
:/

hickory dickory dock. the mouse ran up the clock.

I haven't posted in a while.
and I still wish I could write something amazing.
But the words don't come.
I'm just waiting to go to work.
So I can seat and get drinsk for annoying stuck up people.
I need to find my shoes.

Growing.

I don't think i'm growing up.
But growing out.
Like you grow out of your old clothes and such.
The one thing my life seemed to revolve around for a few months turned out to be a lot of lies.
And last night talking to Ari I definently realized my mistakes.
But I don't think I would trade those months for anything.
I learned so much through that time.
How to love and how not too.
And coming out of that I learned who really cares.
So I may not be growing up, I think in some aspects I'm too mature already.
But I'm definently growing out of being a naive person.
And Once again another lesson showing me not to give my heart.
To people who won't take care of it.

Funny

It used to be. Just me and you.
Best friends for EVER.
We were ALWAYS together and we had SO MUCH FUN.
Yeah we argued but it was silly stuff that was done with in seconds.
We went through the awkward phases together.
Had silly crushes made some crazy mistakes.
But you were always there.
Everytime I cried or hurt.
You were there to make it better and make me smile.
And I was there for you.
Now you hardly talk to me.
Put your other friends ahead of me.
And I wish I could hate you.
When I think of how we used to be.
I almost cry, but I don't think you'd be there.
When the tears fell.


Its funny...
How times change.

For you.

I've moved on.

Beauty Vs. Industry

On Post Secret a user suggested we did what a facebook group was doing which in short was

" Tell us what's right with you. Not what the industry gives the royal checkmark, what you like about you, or what you hate about you! Just make sure it is you. All you need is a page and a picture. Tell us what makes you fantastic, and help us start the revolution!"

I made mine.

and some of its hard to read.

But the things say.

1. I love my eyes.

2.I love giving compliments.

3.I don't like my chin or nose.

4.I know my boobs are small but my hips are hella cute.

5.I'm scared of turning out like my mom.

6.I love being skinny even if people don't like me for it.

7.I love Jesus Christ.

8.I have a million dreams.

9.I want to save the world.

10.I have a lot of friends.

11.I love you.

12. I'm a camera whore to the core.(that rhymed hehe)

13. I fall for guys easily. But never the right one.

14.This picture is old but 100% me.

I love it and I loved making it.

I wanted to put more but I didn't have room.

I might make another one sometime.

:D

Key lime pie.

More than anything I've always wished I could write something amazing.

Something inspring and great, that could take your breath away.

I wish to write in such ways that it doesn't seem real.

But I'm not talented with words and I can never make anything come out right.

Sometimes my brain isn't connected to my heart and the words just don't flow.

Writing isn't my talent no matter how much I wish otherwise.

But I do believe I have an amazing talent.

I seem to be really good at making people smile and laugh.

I enjoy giving compliments and meeting new people.

I love making new connections and hopefully one day I can inspire some one by just being kind.

Or making them smile.

ohyeah.

I've just met a girl, named Emily, whose is one of the coolest people I've ever met.

Shes smart, funny, and a super mega talented writer.

Her blog is the first link on my list over there. -->

You should definently checkout her blog.

Shes aweosme.

<3333

MY GRANDMOTHER

My grandmother is the most important person in my life. I grew up in rough homes with my mom's drug use and abusive boyfriends. When I was 9 years old. My mother, brother, and I left my two younger siblings with their dad and moved to my grandma's a few states away. I haven't seen my younger sister or brother in almost 7 years.

When we came here my mom continued drug use and her string of awful boyfriends. It was some of the scariest times of my life. But I never talked about it to my friends, I've always been a cheerful person. My grandma rescued me once again, and my brother and I have been living with her for years now. She is kind, honest, and very giving. Shes my best friend, my hero, my love.

She always always always tells me I'm the sweetest and strongest person she knows. That I'm beautiful, smart, and important. She tells me to be smart, make good choices, and gives me everything I need. On her 67th birthday I wrote 67 reasons why I loved her which brought her to tears. (and still does each time she reads it) She says its the best gift shes ever received.

I owe her my life. Because without her I would surely still be living in the life of a drugged mom and her awful boyfriends. Last night at dinner, she was talking about one of her son's, my uncle, and how as a baby he was always gentle never cried and was a very good kid.

She said that she remembered me, at 3 years old being kind and gentle and sweet and that she and my grandfather worries so much that I would grow up a bad kid. But she was so happy that I am still just as kind and gentle. She said that I am the best example of true inner strength she has ever seen and that she was so proud of me for being able to deal with the drug use, and abuse of those who I was raised by, and be a depression free, and truely happy teenager.

I was so close to tears as she said this.

I would truely be nowhere without her.

Happiness.

So Christmas is over and the New Year has arrived. I don't feel much different, a bit sad at times, and I still ache for Brittany and her family.

I didn't make a New Years Resolution, I don't want to set a standard for myself that I'm sure I won't reach. I did decide to focus on Truth this year, seeing the truth in myself and others, and being more trusting of people who matter. I want to be kinder and more at ease with myself. want to help people who are less fourtunate then I am because I am insanely blessed.

I've made a few amazing friends on PSC. Four in particular, Jessika(jessicakes), Megan(spazzybaby), Dan(xbyte), and Run free. I haven't learned her name yet.

All of them are so kind, honest, and supportive. Run free has said the nicest and sweetest tings to me and she totally brightens my day every time she PMs me. Its so amazing how I can be such good friends with people who have never seen me in person or anything like that. I'm definently more at ease when I speak to them, and I can tell them absolutely anything.

Finals are coming up soon, I'm not worried or anything, just being chill.

I got to see Brittney yesterday I missed hanging out with her and I had a great day.

I don't know what else to say. I'm a little tired and I hope whoever is reading this enjoyed it and knows, whoever they are I loved them, and I care.

<3333

Shelby.

Heart ache.

I no longer ache.